A concept that infiltrates our lives in ways that are not always blatantly obvious, but more often than not, so subtle that we do not detect them as anything out of ordinary and perhaps have even conditioned ourselves subconsciously to fit this sexist system that we live in.
All my life, I never believed that I am 'intelligent', that I am naturally gifted at academia. I could accept compliments that I am hardworking, but brushed off comments such as 'you are intelligent' with an air of disbelief.
When I was younger, I was made to believe that boys are the brilliant ones, the ones who absorb information like a sponge, the ones who fool around in class and ace the exams like it is their second nature. I believed that girls are the hardworking ones, the ones who are always second best to guys, the ones who had to work twice as hard to get the same recognition as their equivalent counterpart. Bearing in mind, I had made up my mind about gender roles even when I was in primary school.
As a result, I put myself down constantly, truly believing myself to be inferior to the 'smart guys' in my class, but at the same time not willing to succumb to fate, and so I worked overtime to be the best, to be number 1, to prove to the world that I was just as capable as those boys who always appeared relaxed and laidback.
Needless to say, growing up, none of the boys in my vicinity ever attempted to be 'friendly' with me the same way they were with all the other prettier, more popular girls in class. Of course, at the time, I thought that this was because I wasn't 'girly' enough, or that I wasn't desirable or appealing which made me an uninteresting target. Now, I know that it is because men typically do not like to date smarter women, due to this sexist culture that is so deeply entrenched in our society, whether or not we want to acknowledge it.
Perhaps in Malaysia, our level of sexism isn't as exaggerated as disallowing women from driving, but sexism is prevalent. It is on every level of society's hierarchy, which is still patriarchal in nature. At school, boys are constantly being praised for having the 'best brains' while girls are patted on the back for being 'exceptionally hardworking, even if not naturally smart'. It is utter bullsh*t and the worst part? I grew up believing that this was the way it was meant to be.
I have outgrown this phase of my life, and hence have a crystal clear perspective on my past, and lament how wrong I was to remain silent and to hold my tongue in front of boys ,to appear silly and frivolous, just so I don't intimidate them by letting on exactly how smart I am, how quickly my mind works. I am intelligent, and I can't believe it has taken me nearly 2 decades of my life to allow myself this privilege of acknowledging my level of academic competence.
I am not the only one who experiences this. Like I said, sexism is part of our culture, and there it would remain at least for a couple decades more. It's not just the 'men work and women cook' gender stereotype, no, the damage that sexism has done goes much deeper than that.
For one, I know that in the corporate world, males remain the dominant sex, and even though more often than not, women are the more capable sex, they hardly get the recognition they deserve. They might be able to climb their way up the corporate ladder to reach the managing director level, but they will never be the CEO. As much as we like to kid ourselves about our progress with empowering women in the workplace by setting quotas for women employees and trying to close the gender pay gap, deep inside the small brains of the male alphas, they can never and will never accept in this lifetime that they should answer to a female boss.
Men are typically more egoistic than women, not because they were born with this defect, but because our education and our culture have imbued boys with this inflated sense of self importance and entitlement. Our girls are told to be just a pretty face; even in this time and age, whenever I browse around job ads on facebook, I see 'Wanted- pretty girls to be salespeople at a car showroom or whatever'. I see attractive girls on facebook and instagram using their faces and bodies to promote products like Daniel Wellington watches, xyz brands that I genuinely can't put a finger on neither do I give two hoots about and are being labelled as 'instagram influencers'. Influencers? I would hardly dare use this term. How is promoting designer labels and posting selfie after selfie with heavily coated makeup and carefully styled outfits a healthy culture that we want to instil in our modern day society? I beg to differ, truly, and would challenge anyone I come across who chooses to live this life selling their souls to advertising and the media. The most ironic part is that most 'influencers' are girls, (i) because boys hardly have the time or patience to paint themselves into a social construct (ii) because boys can show up in whatever and whenever and be praised for doing exactly that, while girls have to put extra effort into dolling themselves up to make sure they look flawless and desirable.
As much as we like to delude ourselves that girls are being given the recognition and respect they deserve, it is a three steps forwards two steps backwards scenario. And then you have smart, academically inclined girls like myself, who have consistently scared away or been shunned by most boys my entire life. Believe it or not, I had my first close guy friend only at college. Can you imagine? It's not because I was suddenly a different person, but because my friends at college, especially the boys, had at least reached a level of maturity to find me an easy person to befriend. I fiercely adore my friends and I often wonder why I did not have many during secondary school, but these are questions only God has the answer to.
The saddest part, perhaps, is that most girls are trapped inside this sexist societal construct without enough awareness that they are stuck inside a vicious cycle and are doing nothing but feeding this toxic and pervasive culture. We preach about women empowerment and freedom of speech and representation and involvement but yet we ourselves do not have much self respect. Women flaunt their semi or fully naked bodies on social media in the name of expressing oneself and having control over their bodies and proving that all shapes and sizes of bodies are beautiful bla bla bla but how is that defeating the sexist stereotype that a woman's most valuable currency is her body? Call me old fashioned, but I believe that 'the less you reveal the more people can wonder' as said by Emma Watson.
I remember something one of my friends had once said, that made me think.
She said "I am not like my brother. I am not gifted in science subjects the way he is. It does not come naturally to me the way it does to him. All the guys in my family don't study and get good grades."
Also on another occasion, when I lamented how physics is truly a challenging subject especially because a huge chunk of it is mechanics, the same friend sighed about how our male classmate would be at an advantaged position as compared to us because he did further maths, and how given the fact that his mathematical ability is excellent he wouldn't have an issue with the mathematical aspect to physics.
I was trying so hard not to roll my eyes, as I proceeded to gently remind her that we both had done mechanics in math, and that physics doesn't require complex knowledge of mechanics because it is a broad subject, and also that she shouldn't put herself down like that and dismiss her ability just because she thinks too highly of that guy.
In fact, and this is something I had never shared with anyone before, but for my C1, C2 and M1 modules in A Levels maths, my maths teacher had cheekily confided in me that I had scored at least 6 marks higher across all the modules than that classmate. I took pride in this fact, and never said a word because as long as I know I am capable, I am confident enough to step aside and let someone else step into the limelight. Interestingly enough, women are typically more humble, and prefer to keep their opinions to themselves, as compared to men who are generally more outspoken at the expense of having nothing better to say.
What disturbed me about what my friend had to say was how lowly she thought of herself and her potential. I disliked the way she put her male counterparts on a pedestal and more or less resigned herself to fate that she just wasn't good enough and that some people are merely more gifted in some areas than others. I do not dispute that we all are born differently, but to dismiss one's potential on the basis of some sexist stereotype that boys are good at so and so while girls are good at so and therefore I am destined not to be good at so and so is infuriating to say the least.
A boy once asked me 'Do you say these 'wise' things to make yourself look smart?' and I found that remark highly amusing, and while I could not be bothered to stoop so low and launch a retaliation attack, the words 'I do not need to say wise things to make myself seem smart. I am smart' had flashed across my mind. Of course, I said nothing. It's what we girls do best in the face of insults and snide comments, it's what we girls have to do to protect ourselves. Say nothing and you will be spared. Ironically, by accusing me of trying to seem rather than to be, this boy had made a fool out of himself, and the funniest part is till today, he probably isn't intelligent enough to realise that.
I wish I could go back in time and knock some sense into my 12-year-old self so that I realise, as I hope everyone does, that women are on a level playing field with men, and that men are still scared of successful women unless they are equally successful, and that women do not exist to satiate men's sexual desires or stroke their egos. Women are more than just a shiny glittery accessory to accompany men to dinners and parties. Women are as intelligent as men, if not more (because they are way more socially intelligent), and one day, I hope that my friend would realise that as well.
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